2006-10-03 - 12:19 a.m.

For those of you wondering if I�ve defected to Switzerland�the answer is an emphatic "YES"�and I�m lovin� every K�se-gef�llt minute of it.

Okay�actually I�m back in New York and trying to remember what it is I do for a living. Taking even a week�s holiday when you�re a �sole proprietor� is difficult, and it takes like two weeks to get back on track.

But I wanted to share some of the highlights of my trip�without it sounding like a goddam �travelogue.� Suffice it to say, Lucerne was spectacular�and I can TOTALLY imagine living there�that is, if I could master the German language�and if I had a boyfriend to live there with me�two things that are completely UNLIKELY to happen in the near future.

So, here�s a shot of my hotel�Hotel Europe�which was at 59 Haldenstrasse, adjacent to crystal-clear Lake Lucerne.

Ordinarily I hate when people emphasize �crystal-clear,� cuz it sounds so lame, but this lake WAS, and I�m not ashamed to emphasize it. My room had a little balcony from which I could see the lake and Mount Pilatus in the background.

The hotel served fabulous breakfasts, which I ate ALONE...like a dog..!! I. HATE. EATING. ALONE..!! Arggh..!!!! My brother-in-law Raymond, with whom I was traveling, stayed at the super-swanky Hotel National, just down the road at 4 Haldenstrasse and, presumably, he ate breakfast alone, too�but men can do that without looking pathetic.

Well, to break up this neurotic breakfast rant�here are some more photos.

The chambermaid would always arrange my nightgown in this "nipped-waist hourglass formation"...and I thought it was SO adorable...and wished I could fit into it just the way she shaped it.


Talk about laughs...even the tissues were "funny" in Lucerne..!!

I can�t believe I don�t have any pictures of KKL-Luzern (Kultur-und-Kongresszentrum Luzern)�the cultural center at which my nephew performed with the Lucerne Academy musicians from all over the world. The music was crazy contemporary and largely "painful and atonal" to Ray and me, but it was so much fun watching Jared play and meeting his young, talented, multi-lingual friends and being part of the international music scene for five seconds.

I can't help feeling so damn ignorant watching all these young Euro-kids speaking German, French, Italian and English with utter ease and fluency. I have to say�even though I can get by in the Romance languages (French, Italian, Spanish)�speaking German was REALLY difficult for me. Now I know this sounds crazy�but because I grew up in Orthodox Jewish Borough Park�every time I tried to say something in German I just felt sorta guilty about speaking �the language of Hitler.� I know�that sounds completely INSANE�cuz it IS..!! So, I�ve decided to take a German language course this fall to get over this madness.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH�more pictures. These were taken on our way up to...and back down from...Mount Pilatus�which was a fabulous excursion. Think �Sound of Music� without that annoying Julie Andrews. Actually, I think "S-O-M" was filmed in Austria�but you know what I mean. I think there's a chance I might have spotted an �edelweiss,� but there's an equally good chance I imagined that. So, picture this: cable cars, the world�s steepest cog-wheel train, Alpine vistas, monumental pine trees, and mountain goats, sheep and cows wearing their herdeglocken (cowbells), which you could hear all over the mountain. Quaint mountain chalets�like little gingerbread houses...dotted the landscape. It was totally freakin� �Heidi-time� and I LOVED it..!! Had my fill of obscenely-long bratwursts with hot spicy mustard and I wouldn't mind if I didn�t see another one of those for like�EVER.!!

Wait, I think I hear "Goat Peter" and "the grandfather."



The dark-haired guy in front was this totally cute saxophone player...and, believe me, if I were 30 years younger...I would have turned his instrument into a SEX-aphone..!!




I did NOT color-enhance this shot...the water REALLY was that amazing blue-green.

So...it was on top of Mt. Pilatus that I first saw HIM�a tall, totally attractive mystery man, who, it later turned out, is married to Katerina, the woman who heads up the whole damn Lucerne Festival. Just my luck..!! Of all the mountains in all of Switzerland...he had to walk onto mine..!! He was perfect, and every time I saw him I totally blushed. One evening, Ray struck up a conversation with him at a bar we were chillin' at called Havana�and later Ray told me his name was Peter and that he was the editor of all the Lucerne Festival publications. A creative-type no less...now I was a total smitten-kitten.

During the rest of the week, Ray and I tramped around old Lucerne�s cobblestone strasses and platzes and gasses. It was divine. Little shops�cuckoo clocks (natch!), fancy fountains and flowers everywhere�17th-century buildings covered with beautiful murals, quaint outdoor restaurants and beer gardens�churches with church bells a-chiming�and always the lakeside quai with its sailboats and its grand allee of some kinda pretty trees not to mention "central-casting" ducks, geese,and swans doin' their thing.

Ray and Linda do the lakeside photo-op.

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Fun with statuary...or maybe "statue-tory" rape..!!





Linda at the Kapellbrucke (wooden footbridge over the Reuss River...built in 1333). Why does my hair suddenly look like a Hassidic wig? Just askin'

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Early evening on the Rathaus quai. In the background is a Jesuit church which we never actually checked out...but just kept referring to as "that church with the Russian-looking things on top."



Ray and Jared in the classic father/son pose. Awwww..!!



Linda dwarfed in front of the Lowendenkmal (Lion Monument). Built into the sandstone cliff above the town, the monument is an allegorical reference to the bravery of the Swiss Guards who died in the Tuilleries of Paris in 1792 trying to save the life and honor of Marie Antoinette. Uh, what, why, huh?



Jared's favorite beer-and-brat place. "More onion sauce, bitte."

The town was immaculate to the point of obsession..!! Jared and I watched a city worker actually scrub down a phone booth before she would let Jared make a call��Ein Moment bitte,� she said, before spraying the phone with Lysol, washing the glass doors with Windex and sweeping out the two cigarette butts from the floor.
And every morning, there were dozens of workers all over town scrubbing, polishing, sweeping, pruning, trimming, painting, dredging, whatever.

Years ago, I had a Swiss boyfriend named Urban who came out to Quogue to visit me. He took one look at my rusted-out, 12-year-old Subaru station wagon and told me �This car wouldn�t be allowed in Switzerland.� I thought he was kidding until I got to Lucerne� where all the cars were new, shiny and perfect. Even the cabs were black Mercedes SEL500�s.

Vacations are always filled with too much food and wine, and this was no exception. Every evening we�d have pate and shrimp and many glasses of weisser wein at Ray�s hotel, the National, at the lovely lakeside bar�with our favorite bartender Mattias and the keyboard player, Marco, playing perfect �cocktail hour� music, except for one evening when he inexplicably performed the theme from �Schindler�s List.� Was it wrong to crack up at this?

Twice we ate at a little restaurant called See/Wilhelm Tell Floating Restaurant, which was in a refitted steamboat on the lake. One night we had an appetizer of brot suppe (bread soup), which was delicious, despite its lowly name. Another night there was a remarkable hummerfischcremesuppe (lobster bisque). This is why I couldn�t master German. Look at the size of that word..!!

One day Ray and I took the train to Zurich and spent a few hours trekking around the Altstadt (old town). The Limmat quai was a mess of cranes and construction, so not its usual pleasant stroll. We took the #6 tram to the Zurich Zoo (Zooh!), but it was extremely hot and the animals were not in the mood to amuse us.

This camel was all "like whatever" as he napped in the sun at the Zurich Zoo.



I love how the fountain flowers match the window flowers. Add in that Euro-tiny car...and you have a great Zurich snapshot. (Well, it would have been great if I hadn't chopped off the top of the fountain...but you get the drift)




I also LOVE these classic blue Zurich streetcars...they remind me of military uniforms.

After our sweltering zoo folly we had lunch at a little restaurant called Santa Lucia on Marktgasse, where I had a perfect gorgonzola pizza. Later on we strolled along the Bahnhofstrasse�which is chock-a-block with the most expensive shops and banks and pastry shops.

It�s like bank, bank, Dior, Yves Saint Laurent, Hugo Boss, bank, bank, bank, Chanel, Ferragamo, bank, bank, Lagerfeld, Jil Sander, Chloe, bank, bank, Sprunggli (where, I must say, the pastries were not as good as Rocco�s on Bleecker Street). We never got to the funky Zurich West area (the "Williamsburg of Zurich") because I developed the world�s largest, gross-est blister EVER�on my right pinkie toe�and every step brought tears to my eyes. Back in Lucerne, I bought a pair of Nike flip-flops, which I wore for the rest of the trip�while my toe swelled up to the size and shape of a red seedless grape..!!

After the final concert of the Festival, there was a lovely cocktail reception and guess who came over to talk to me? YEP/Jah�mystery man. Turns out his name is NOT Peter, but actually Basil, and, in addition to his editorial work for the Festival, he teaches design at a school in Zurich (Hochschule fur Gestaltung und Kunst Zurich on Ausstellungsstrasse). He was totally interesting and charming and sexy�and I felt like Katerina was giving me dirty looks the whole time I was speaking with him. But, I was just having a harmless flirt and leaving the next day, so what the hell�though Basil DID give me BOTH of his business cards. Hmmmm...!! Oh damn�why can�t I find men like this in New York..?? That�s it�I definitely need a Euro-man..!!

You can tell it's the last night of the trip and we're not looking too animated...all lined up like bowling pins. I was complaining to Elizabeth how my face looks like a middle-aged menopausal "square" in every photo...so now she calls me "Sponge-Mom Square-Face," which never fails to crack me up!!

So�I hope you enjoyed mein wenig Spielraumgeschichte. And this doesn�t even begin to cover all the fun and laughs and food and sights of the trip. There are a million little side stories and dialogue for a later time. Elizabeth told me to split this up into several entries, but I said, "Nein"�I�ll just put all the basics down now�and, if you can�t finish it in one read�you can nibble at it over several coffee breaks�like a special little Aprikose Geb�ck or Schokolade Tr�ffel.

Danke�bis eine andere Zeit.


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