2006-08-23 - 10:09 p.m.

Snakes on a plane? FEH..that's nuthin'..!!

Much MUCH worse than that…is having to fly in a desert-dry and germ-ridden airplane without the benefit of nasal mist, actibacterial hand gel, eye cream, facial spritz and Carmex lip balm. All the “flying rituals” that make air travel bearable in a coach seat have now been taken away from us…just like the cuticle scissors and tweezers of years past.

Two weeks from now I am flying to Zurich…a fidgety 8-hour trip…without the benefits of Fiji water, Nivea Restorative Night Hand Creme or Mylanta.

So…how will I get as comfortable as possible…given the terrorist-driven restrictions..??

First…I’ll buzz the flight attendant every 30 minutes for some water. I’ll pack a few Luna Bars, dried-fruit-and-nut mix, and some Polly-O Part-Skim Mozzarella Sticks (because I hate airline food). A large bag of Jelly Belly “Tropicals” will be stashed "for emergencies only" (yeah, right). An inflatable neck pillow will prop up my head and ease in-flight tension and my ongoing anti-war RAGE. And I’ll bring along my Sony Disc-Man..!! That’s right folks…I admit it…I’m one of only three people on the planet WITHOUT an iPod.

Among the CDs in my carry-on…if they allow CDs (and, if they don’t, I might have to slap someone)…will be:

--the soundtrack from “Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man”
--k.d. lang’s “Songs From the 49th Parallel”
--John Legend’s “Get Lifted”
--“Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Songbook” (2 CDs)
--“Tracy Nelson Country”
--…and “The Best of Cher”

I’ll have 15-20 pounds worth of fall fashion magazines to flip through.

I’ll also have a cashmere scarf and a hooded sweatshirt because airplanes are always “meat-locker-cold” as far as I’m concerned.

So…is it sounding like a fun trip so far?

Oh…I almost forgot…I’ll also have a large economy-size bottle of Ambien..!! Good-night..!!

My brother-in-law Raymond is flying over with me. The poor guy just had a hernia operation a week ago…but I’m sure he won’t be complaining as much as me. We’re not sitting together…and I pray to God I don’t get stuck next to: “fat guy,” “smelly guy,” “snoring guy,” or “chatty granny.”

ANYWAY…all the discomforts of the flight will be worth it when we finally get to the Lucerne Music Festival…where my brilliant percussionist-nephew Jared (Ray’s son) will be performing at three different events featuring modern works by Dallapiccola, Berio, Nono, Gjertsen, Schonberg…and others.

Add to that some awesome Swiss “pretzel sandwiches,” raclette, boat trips on Lake Lucerne, a cog railway excursion up to Mount Pilatus, Alpine vistas, the little Picasso Museum, the Gletschergarten, walking through many “platzes” and “strasses,” eating embarrassingly-long sausages (while trying not to laugh or make dirty comments), drinking over-priced beer, and generally chillin’ all Swiss-style. (Do the Swiss ever “just chill"…or would that have to be on some sort of schedule??)

So…stay tuned for an exciting photo-essay upon my return. I just bought a Nikon Coolpix L3 digital camera…which I have no idea how to use…but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. As Jared points out…“Anything called ‘Coolpix’ is pretty much made for idiots.”

Thanks, Jared.


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