2006-08-23 - 10:09 p.m.

Snakes on a plane? FEH..that's nuthin'..!!

Much MUCH worse than that�is having to fly in a desert-dry and germ-ridden airplane without the benefit of nasal mist, actibacterial hand gel, eye cream, facial spritz and Carmex lip balm. All the �flying rituals� that make air travel bearable in a coach seat have now been taken away from us�just like the cuticle scissors and tweezers of years past.

Two weeks from now I am flying to Zurich�a fidgety 8-hour trip�without the benefits of Fiji water, Nivea Restorative Night Hand Creme or Mylanta.

So�how will I get as comfortable as possible�given the terrorist-driven restrictions..??

First�I�ll buzz the flight attendant every 30 minutes for some water. I�ll pack a few Luna Bars, dried-fruit-and-nut mix, and some Polly-O Part-Skim Mozzarella Sticks (because I hate airline food). A large bag of Jelly Belly �Tropicals� will be stashed "for emergencies only" (yeah, right). An inflatable neck pillow will prop up my head and ease in-flight tension and my ongoing anti-war RAGE. And I�ll bring along my Sony Disc-Man..!! That�s right folks�I admit it�I�m one of only three people on the planet WITHOUT an iPod.

Among the CDs in my carry-on�if they allow CDs (and, if they don�t, I might have to slap someone)�will be:

--the soundtrack from �Leonard Cohen: I�m Your Man�
--k.d. lang�s �Songs From the 49th Parallel�
--John Legend�s �Get Lifted�
--�Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Songbook� (2 CDs)
--�Tracy Nelson Country�
--�and �The Best of Cher�

I�ll have 15-20 pounds worth of fall fashion magazines to flip through.

I�ll also have a cashmere scarf and a hooded sweatshirt because airplanes are always �meat-locker-cold� as far as I�m concerned.

So�is it sounding like a fun trip so far?

Oh�I almost forgot�I�ll also have a large economy-size bottle of Ambien..!! Good-night..!!

My brother-in-law Raymond is flying over with me. The poor guy just had a hernia operation a week ago�but I�m sure he won�t be complaining as much as me. We�re not sitting together�and I pray to God I don�t get stuck next to: �fat guy,� �smelly guy,� �snoring guy,� or �chatty granny.�

ANYWAY�all the discomforts of the flight will be worth it when we finally get to the Lucerne Music Festival�where my brilliant percussionist-nephew Jared (Ray�s son) will be performing at three different events featuring modern works by Dallapiccola, Berio, Nono, Gjertsen, Schonberg�and others.

Add to that some awesome Swiss �pretzel sandwiches,� raclette, boat trips on Lake Lucerne, a cog railway excursion up to Mount Pilatus, Alpine vistas, the little Picasso Museum, the Gletschergarten, walking through many �platzes� and �strasses,� eating embarrassingly-long sausages (while trying not to laugh or make dirty comments), drinking over-priced beer, and generally chillin� all Swiss-style. (Do the Swiss ever �just chill"�or would that have to be on some sort of schedule??)

So�stay tuned for an exciting photo-essay upon my return. I just bought a Nikon Coolpix L3 digital camera�which I have no idea how to use�but I�m sure I�ll figure it out. As Jared points out��Anything called �Coolpix� is pretty much made for idiots.�

Thanks, Jared.


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