2009-07-09 - 11:24 p.m.

Truth be told�I�ve never had an appointment in my life where I didn�t pray someone would cancel. Business meetings, doctor�s appointments, dinners with friends, blind dates�whatever�I�m always at least half-wishing it�s gonna be called off.

So it was when I agreed to meet Judah from eHarmony. First off, if you know anything about eHarmony, you know that there are like ten hoops you have to jump through (a series of dumb Q&A�s, exchanging �must haves� and �can�t stands,� etc.) before you ever exchange ACTUAL e-mails with anyone. By this point, I�m already bored and distracted and have completely lost interest in or even recollection of why I was corresponding with this person.

In any case, I agreed to meet Judah for a drink tonight, but all morning I was hoping like crazy he would cancel. Happily�he did. The phone rang, and caller ID revealed it was him, so I let it go to my answering machine. Here�s pretty much exactly what he said.

�Hi, Linda�it�s Judah. I�m really sorry about this, but I won�t be able to meet you tonight. This morning, out of the blue, one of my hearing aids went out and radically compromised my ability to communicate. So it didn't make sense to try conversing in a noisy Manhattan bar. As much as I was looking forward to meeting you - it would have been frustrating for both of us. I arranged an appointment with my audiologist in Brooklyn for tomorrow morning and hopefully the problem can be fixed quickly - we'll see. So, I apologize for missing our date and for any inconvenience on your part and look forward to being back in the world of sound and rescheduling with you soon. Please call or email to let me know that you got my messages.�

Can we all give a collective �ICK��!!!
What the FUCK? �ONE of my hearing aids?� OY!
�My audiologist��?? Gimme a break..!!!
�Back in the world of sound?� Shoot me NOW!

I�ve heard every �cancellation excuse� in the book�and given PLENTY of them myself�but this one was so disturbing on so many levels. It�s bad enough to still be in the dating game at my age. It�s bad enough that most of my dates are in the Cialis and/or �too-late-for-Rogaine� stage of life. But HEARING AIDS? Come ON.

Elizabeth and baby Virginia arrived just after Judah had left his voicemail. I was totally shponging about this latest dating grotesquerie.

Me: Why couldn�t he just make up a predictable excuse like, �I have to work late� or �I just realized I�m still in love with my ex-girlfriend.� This is intolerable. I can�t go out with him now. It�s SUCH a turnoff.

Elizabeth: Why don�t you just call back and leave a message for him like��Actually, I was about to call you anyway, Judah. I just ran out of Depends and PoliGrip, and I won�t have time to get to Duane Reade before 5:30.�

After that we came up with other potential geriatric excuses and screamed with laughter for ten minutes. Then we took the baby for a walk and went to lunch.

I mean, really! It�s demoralizing enough to be dating GEEZERS, but when 50% of their parts don�t work�well, that�s just the limit. I can�t get a break here. I still feel like I�m 29, maybe 35,(even though, like Nora Ephron, I hate my neck!), but every dude I meet is goddam Methuselah�s uncle!

Opinions please: Would you agree to meet this old man after such a depressing revelation? He says he's 67, but I'm thinking he must be closer to 80! I feel like I�d just be sitting there saying, �Can you hear me NOW, Grandpa?�

Fuck it!


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