2007-01-01 - 3:18 p.m.
"GOING DUTCH..."
Just to illustrate that some things NEVER change no matter what year it is…I’ve become obsessed with a man who can never be mine.Mind you…until three weeks ago I had never even heard of him. His name is Andre Rieu…and, if you’re like me, you’re saying “WHO?” Turns out he’s this wildly popular Dutch violinist, conductor and international music sensation sometimes known as “the modern day king of the waltz.” He’s sold millions of albums and has the most HILARIOUS website ever. Click here to check it out. It's too funny!! As "unknown artists" go…he’s right up there with Yanni and Zamfir (“king of the pan flute”).
SO…a few weeks back...exhausted from last-minute work, last-minute shopping and the general malaise, disgust and depression of the holiday season (Cheers everyone!!)…I sat down to an evening of "channel-surfing." Monk?…nah. CLICK! Desperate Housewives repeats?…nope. CLICK! Reality shows?…OH NO. Football?…HELL NO..!!
Then I chanced upon the WLIW special: Andre Rieu: The Homecoming – Songs From My Heart. What the…?? Who the hell is this?? …some long-haired stiff in white-tie and tails (and a serious “Dracula-style” collar brooch)…conducting The Laughing Song/Die Fledermaus before a humongous audience in Vrijthof Square in Maastricht, The Netherlands…CLICK!!.
But, weirdly, I kept going back to this “live” concert…which was a cross between an old Lawrence Welk show and a Mitch Miller sing-along.Andre (the maestro…hah!!) was very tall and quite handsome in a predictable way. Like, what man DOESN’T look handsome in white tie and tails? Anyway the audience was going completely NUTS...waltzing in the streets, eating herring and drinking champagne at outdoor tables…and singing along to the Maastricht (pronounced "mis-STREEK")National Anthem and other heart-tugging Dutch favorites.
I guess it was the season or whatever…but this whole scene was really starting to get to me. Suddently, I wished I was there with all these happy people…singing and swaying, dancing and celebrating…and giving “standing O’s” to “my new love”…Andre Rieu. Why can’t I be in Maastricht right now? Why can’t I be there…listening to my darling Andre conducting the Nightingale of Limburg or Strauss’ Tritsch-Tratsch Polka, Opus 214..?? Why can’t I be singing Funiculi, Funicula out loud…and not feeling the least bit embarrassed?
Mind you, this guy IS a giant CHEESE-BALL, but his powerful presence and the swell of excitement and pure LOVE from the crowd was mesmerizing. There were lots of special guests…all Maastricht-born "celebrities"…who warbled charming Dutch diddies such as Maastricht, City of Jolly Singers…or Broadway showstoppers like “Memory” from Cats, which was sung in English (with a strong Dutch flavor) by a big-eyed blonde Maastricht-ian songstress. There were a couple of songs by a "Brazilian firecracker"…whom I fantasized was actually the married Andre’s mistress (that little tramp), though you certainly couldn’t tell from his body language (none) or his neutral expression (scary smile) which never altered throughout the entire two-hour concert. Andre is famous for saying, “It’s my dream to make the whole of classical music accessible for everyone.”…sort of like the way I always say, “I want to make the whole of public relations accessible for everyone.” (Potential new clients take note!)
WHATEVER…before you get scared and think I’ve been sucked into some bizarre Andre Rieu cult/coven…I’ll just tell you that I haven’t bought any of his dozens and dozens (and DOZENS!) of albums or downloaded Andre Rieu “wallpaper” or “e-cards” from his website…but I did have two XXX-rated dreams about him. Go figure.
Of course, Andre ONLY flies KLM (Royal Dutch Arlines)!
But now I'm done with him...until next Christmas when he’ll probably have another PBS special as "schmaltzy" as a herring!Okay…am I the only person on the planet who still refers to the entire Netherlands as…HOLLAND?? Just askin’
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! …or, as the Dutch would say, "Gelukkig Nieuw Jaar."
Say WHAT..?? - 2009-07-09
THE MENNONITE SCHLEMIEL - 2009-05-30
HARRIET, DAH-LING! - 2008-08-19
DEAR JOHN... - 2007-11-07
CLOSURE (and not the good kind) - 2007-08-10
