2006-03-10 - 12:53 a.m.

I hate to brag (yeah, right)�but I AM my own best company. And thank God I am�because there aren�t many other options for me lately. I work from home, so I'm basically in solitary confinement all day. Whenever I find myself out on dates or business lunches or any other human encounters, I always come home and think, �Well, that wasn�t any fun.� I can�t concentrate on anyone else. Can't focus. I�m just not interested. I�ve become addicted to MYSELF..!! HELP�this is sounding too weird. But�does anyone out there know, even remotely, what I mean? Has anyone else ever felt this way?

I mean, I have many dear friends who mean the world to me�but not one of them, except my darling Hoffmann, currently lives in Manhattan. And the activities I most enjoy are solitary ones anyway�movies, museums, bookstore browsing, reading, riding my bike�so I don�t seek out the odd �acquaintance� to hang with�because I don�t care about them enough�and I just loathe small talk and "making conversation." Anyway, just spinning, but there it is�

Moving on�

Here are some recent oddities and obsessions:

GENUS SCARY-OSIS
Elizabeth just sent me a news item about a rare new species of crustacean found in the South Seas. Check it out�but I warn you�you will have nightmares..!!

Scientists have named it kiwa hirsuta, and it�s sort of an albino lobster with fluffy white fur all over it. And, oh yeah, it�s blind.

As I said to Elizabeth�if it�s rare and furry�Anna Wintour will find a way to make a coat out of it�and sooner or later the folks at PETA will throw a bucket of seaweed at her�and she�ll end up on "Page Six."

I *HEART* THE ROYAL FAMILY
It�s true. I admit it. I�m obsessed with the British Royal Family. Recently I watched the PBS special entitled Windsor Castle: A Royal Year, featuring Prince Phillip, who�s actually the �park ranger� (hahahaha) of Windsor Great Park (love it!!). Anyway, it was an Anglophile�s dream�touring the castle and getting a �behind-the-scenes� look at all the delicious rituals, the secret passageways, the eccentric staff, the pomp, the parades of Garter Knights and Military Knights, the Queen�s chef and the staff that precisely measures the distance between chairs and table in the dining hall, etc. There was a charming segment with Steve Davidson, Windsor�s �timekeeper,� who is responsible for maintaining the castle�s 450 clocks. It takes him 16 hours to change them all for Daylight Savings Time�and back again in the fall. I LOVE THIS..!! I can�t get enough of this. There was even a charming "livestock competition" between the Guernsey and the Jersey cows or whatever. Their burly handlers were totally adorable, even when covered in cow dung and shaving the cow's udders! That's right...the cows get a "full Brazilian" before competitions..!! Prince Phillip drove around in his Range Rover�inspecting the grounds, the fences, the farms, etc. And, if all that weren�t enough, the show ended with Prince Charles marrying Camilla Parker Bowles at St. George�s Chapel. I�m pathetic, I realize this.

DATING MARATHON
So, I can�t remember if I wrote about this or not�but recently I went on a dating marathon�meeting FOUR different guys in one week. One was the Compton turkey I mentioned last time. One was a guy named Len, who told me the worst �first date� story ever. Here goes: He fathered a daughter when he was only 17 years old. The mother was a 17-year-old neighborhood tramp who was already engaged to some poor shmo serving in Viet Nam. Long-story-short�the woman told the soldier the baby was HIS. And Len (the cowardly slime) went along with this shameful deception. The woman and the soldier raised the baby as their own�and Len lived down the street (the worm). Sooner or later the truth came out�Len married the mother of his child�and they lived UNHAPPILY ever after. When his daughter found about all this�she stopped speaking to Len for like 15 years. You can�t make this shit up. Anyway, the dude TELLS me this despicable story on a first date..!! So he�s history.

Then along comes Michael�a retired �professor of 18th century ideas��which sounds so bogus. He actually said, �I love IDEAS.� Well, yeah�as opposed to what�mere thoughts or notions�or the occasional concept??? Anyway, �Mr. IDEA� was obsessed with Dancing With The Stars, which pegged him as totally lame in my book, and I sort of goofed on him about this. But we shared some good kisses under a streetlamp�and P.S. I never heard from him again. I think he may have gone off to study the tango�or maybe just the idea of the tango.

Next up was Richard�a very well-known, very wealthy Jewish sports attorney, who�s negotiated the multi-million-dollar contracts of most of baseball�s biggest names, of which I recognized, um, NONE. We met at Crispo, and the minute he smiled at me, I knew it was gonna be a VERY, VERY LONG evening. If you know me even a little, you know I have a thing about teeth�and this guy had some very weirdly-spaced gigantic choppers, which his somber corporate photo did not reveal on Match.com. His nose was the size and shape of a very large potato, and he had those moist and quivery �old-man-lips.� I hate that. Anyway, the restaurant was noisy�and he made our poor waitress change our table FOUR TIMES�it was SO embarrassing!! He told her, �I want a quiet, romantic table, so I can get to know this beautiful lady. We�ve never met before.� So, now I�m dying b/c the waitress knows I�m on a blind date with "MOSES METHUSELAH" here, and she's probably laughing her ass off with her waitress friends in the back.

R. ordered the grilled branzino�and, because the place was so damn noisy, he had to lean in close to talk to me�with his steamy fish breath..!! It was gross. It felt like three hours till he paid the check.

He walked me home�and shockingly planted a slimy fishy kiss right on my mouth. I had no time to duck. As soon as I got into the elevator, I wiped my mouth on my coat sleeve and almost gagged..!! Well, I guess he was smitten with this shiksa because he sent me like five e-mails asking me out for a second date. Then he left a few voice-mail messages. I could no longer ignore him�he wasn�t taking the hint�so I e-mailed him to say, �I enjoyed meeting you, but I just didn�t feel the requisite Oomph�so I think it best if we didn�t go out again.� Elizabeth suggested that I should have at least gotten a few good vacations out of him�but �mommy can�t play that.� I still need the Oomph, damn it.

DREAM LOVER
I DO, however, have a total new HEART THROB. Of course, he�s not actually a realistic, available-type person. He�s an actor. His name is Hugh Laurie. He's British, but he plays American Dr. Gregory House on the Fox TV series House. My niece Desiree turned me onto this show�and, for that, I am going to kill her..!! HUGH LAURIE HAS RUINED ME FOR ALL OTHER MEN�EVER!!!!! I LOVE him. I love his character on House�a cynical, egotistical, miserable, brilliant doctor�all bad attitude and sarcastic remarks�but a diagnostic genius...and gorgeous. Come to think of it�except for the �doctor� thing, this could describe my ex-husband. Hmmm... Anyway, last night I had an X-rated dream about Hugh Laurie, which was so vivid, and HOT, and breathless, and amazing that I practically cried when I woke up. This dream haunted me all day. I kept closing my eyes and trying to conjure up the dirty details. I once had a crush like this on William Hurt�who, come to think of it, looked just like my ex-husband�!! Hmmmm�I think I just re-discovered "my type."

How can I be expected to go out with potato-nosed, quivery-lipped, fish-breath dudes�when there are HUGH LAURIE�s in the world..??? Girlfriend still needs the FIRE.!! It�s a sad, sad situation, my friends�

Okay�that�s enough for you voyeurs for one entry. Let�s hear about your miserable dates and hopeless heart-throbs. Why should I have all the PAIN�?????

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