2006-05-06 - 10:19 p.m.
DATING GRANDPA...
Step, shuffle, step, shuffle, flap, ball change� NO, we�re not tap-dancing, kids�we�re talking about my most recent adventures in dating the elderly.Sandy sounded good enough on-line�but reality kicked me in the butt once again. For those of you who are as sick-to-death of my dates as I am�just press the �Snooze� button. Otherwise, here goes:
The basics: 62 years old, 6�2�, divorced, non-smoker, lives in Florida but also rents an apartment in NYC. Princeton grad, former cattle rancher, oil man, private investor, real estate venture capitalist, antiques collector. Has a line of credit at the William Doyle galleries. Loves movies, Broadway/off-Broadway shows, music, kayaking, hiking, reading, traveling, etc. Visits the city every 2-3 weeks. Has all his own hair and teeth. So, I�m thinking�winter weekends in Florida�sounds good to me.
Okay�so we meet in the lobby of my building and had plans for dinner at The Cajun, followed by Dixieland jazz featuring Eddy Davis of the Woody Allen group. When I came down, Sandy was sitting in one of the lobby armchairs�and the minute he stood up�I thought, �Oh, shit�not ANOTHER old man..!! The guy rose to a sorta semi-stoop. And it seemed to take him a few moments to get into mobility mode. So�off we go�STEP, SHUFFLE, STEP, SHUFFLE�as he scraped his geezer hooves along the sidewalk. The guy had clearly LIED about his age; he had to be 75..!! Oh�and his head was too small for his body (not exactly a pin-head�but in that realm).
He was wearing �old man jeans��you know the kind with the waistband just inches below his man-boobs�with a tucked-in plaid shirt and a silly belt festooned with silver Santa Fe-style doo-dads. It was gonna be a VERY long night.
So we made it the THREE BLOCKS to The Cajun�and, mind you, it�s 6:30 p.m. (his suggestion)�because the music started at 8 p.m. Who eats this early??? Oh yeah, ancient Floridians who are accustomed to the �early-bird special.� Sandy kept leaning over the table to say things like, �Well, Linda�it�s too bad you live in such a BORING neighborhood.� (uh yukka-yukka-yuk). �So I guess it�s hard finding things to do here in Greenwich Village, eh?� (uh gagagagagagaga). �What can you possibly do for fun around here?� ARRRGGGH!!�I get it�you�re being facetious. Whatever. Move on.
Conversation was just your basic chow-chow�he had been married for 33 years (12 of them good..!!), three sons (with whom he did NOT have close relationships b/c of business travel, etc.)�but here are some of Sandy�s highlights:
--�I had a torrid affair after my divorce six years ago�the woman was crazy about me. So, I dumped her because I figured�if she�s crazy about me�I bet I could do better.� (Good logic...and charming date banter...Mr. Smooth!!)
�Well, I had a second steamy affair, but the woman was just not pretty enough for me.� (Yeah, Grandpa..!!)
�I�m on the boards of several organizations in Florida. I like to go to at least FOUR meetings a week.� (FYI...one of these organizations is the Kiwanis Club�the KIWANIS�wtf???)
�I�m just wild about kayaking.� (well, at least that doesn�t involve WALKING)
When the music started Sandy was tappin� and snappin� to the beat�his liver-spotted hands just a frenzy of rheumatoid rhythms!!
After dinner�he suggested walking around the nabe�so I steered him over to the Hudson River promenade�one of my favorite places. Well, we had walked from Jane Street down to West 11th Street (like THREE blocks..!!) when Sandy, said�"Phew�is there a �turn-around� point somewhere along here?� He was sweating like a racehorse (who should be put to sleep!).
Well, he hobbled me back to my front door�and I gave him the requisite "bad-date hug" (where your bodies don't even approach touching). By now, sweat was POURING off his head, and his face was the color of an eggplant. I thought it best for me to go right upstairs before he had a seizure that might require me to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room. And that�s it, folks. That was two weeks ago�and I haven�t heard from Sandy again. In fact, from the way he looked, I�m betting NO ONE has heard from Sandy since.
I implore you, people, PLEEEZE�does ANYONE know ANYONE they can fix me up with? Just a decent guy�52-62�tall, FUNNY, smart, solvent, Manhattan-based (or in an exotic international locale), divorced or widowed (none of those weird �never-married� types), preferably with grown children. It would be nice if he could walk and/or ride a bike�without collapsing..!!
Future �Gripewater� topics coming your way�
--End of an Era - closing the Quogue shack after 23 years
--Linda Does Lucerne � A Swiss-Miss adventure-in-the-making
--Full/Queen Duvets � just not big enough, damn it..!!
--Royal Pets � from the PBS special of the same name
--Death! � �nuff said
--The Highline � Ed Norton and Kevin Bacon up close
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