2005-10-14 - 4:02 p.m.

I have no idea what traditions surround Canadian Thanksgiving. Do they eat turkey�or grilled cheese sandwiches, eh? Do they have pumpkin pie for dessert�or a Tim Horton�s Canadian Maple donut? Do they play backyard hockey? Who CARES?

All I know is that this Canadian Thanksgiving�Elizabeth came home to New York�and we had a totally great time. As always, her flight was delayed�four hours this time�so instead of arriving at 10 p.m. Friday night�she arrived at 2 a.m. Saturday morning. DAMN..!! Darling Alex picked her up at Newark in his �band van��and she breezed in for a quick bagel and a mom hug�then it was off to last call at some bar in the East Village.

Saturday morning Elizabeth headed to Park Slope for the traditional Canadian Thanksgiving bikini wax with the Russian women of Rampal. Then the two of us took a NJ Transit bus to Lakewood to visit the grandparents at Leisure Village. We were surrounded by ultra-fat people eating putridly pungent food products. I tried to sniff the Prada perfume that was on my wrists, but even that didn�t cover up the noxious aroma wafting up from Bluto�s meatball hero.

So here�s what Elizabeth wore: a pair of black short shorts with a ruffle blouse, a little fitted jacket, and a pair of cowboy boots, an outfit which looked totally adorable, but caused quite a stir when we arrived at the Lakewood bus station�God�s repository for quasi-humans. Every pint-sized Paco and Pepe was straining to get a glimpse of this tall blonde creature. I felt like a freakin� bodyguard�trying to shield her from view until our �Leisure Hack� taxi appeared.

Meanwhile, Dena, the legendary bus-station lush, started hugging and kissing us, slapping sloppy fives�and resting her head on Elizabeth's bosom, wailing, �Oh, baby girl�oh, baby girl, you beautiful, baby�.� Then she recapped her life story, which we�ve already heard many times.

�I�m 51 years old. I got me 7 kids, 9 grandkids, and 3 great-grandkids.�

We�ve yet to figure out the biological feasibility of this. Dena continued�

�I DRINK. They all KNOW I drink. But �thas aw-ight. They got they weed or whatever�.heh, heh, heh�they happy. We ALL happy. My grandkids say, �Grandma, hit it..!!��then I do my thang. Watch this, watch this, cuz I�m only gonna do it once.�

(Then she �hit it��which involved some J-Lo-style booty gyrations and raucous laughter.) We were quite impressed.

Our cab arrived and the driver told us how HE used to live in Leisure Village�with his MOTHER�but then she went into a nursing home and sold her house. �I still haven�t forgiven her,� says our driver�a 55-year-old man who now lives with an aunt and some cousins. He asked if Liz and I were sisters. Hey, the guy�s not a TOTAL loser..!!

Dinner at the DeMarco's. For daughter #1�ME�my mom made kasha and pot roast (OY!!)�one of my favorites�and it was awesome. For Elizabeth, la principessa, her youngest grandchild, who�s a vegetarian, she made a separate order of pasta with ricotta and marinara sauce. �There�s no meat in there, I swear, Liz,� says mom.

Then came mountains of dessert�mom made devil�s food cake with pink peppermint icing (my fave), brother-in-law Ray brought a raspberry-almond torte, and we brought Italian pastries from Rocco�s on Bleecker Street, including something called a �Zombie��a sponge cake with layers of lemon filling. Talk about a sugar coma!! When I bought it, the woman at Rocco�s asked, �Hey, you want 'da big zombie�or 'da little zombie?� I said, �YO�gimme a BIG Zombie�what the fuck!�

Back in NYC Saturday night, Elizabeth caught up with some friends on the Lower East Side�and got totally polluted...something that hasn't happened since high school. Happily, her cousin Jared brought her home in a taxi, and I found her the next morning�sprawled on the couch�with all her clothes on�including her $50 black satin head-band from Holt-Renfrew. Warms a mother�s heart, I tell ya.

On Sunday we shopped for HOURS. I don�t think that�s necessarily a Canadian Thanksgiving tradition; however, it WAS part of America�s �Columbus Day weekend sales initiative.� Elizabeth was feeling a bit �rough,� as she described it, but a few jugs of green tea and some new clothing purchases perked her right up..!! It�s SO hard to say �No� to her�because she LOVES clothes and she looks so damn cute in everything she tries on. Of course, there were moments in the day when I felt like Joan Crawford indulging her spoiled daughter Veda (Ann Blyth) in the classic film Mildred Pierce. I was basically a �walking wallet.� But giant hugs and laughs and mother-daughter bonding more than made up for it.

We hit Zara�s, Anthropologie, Bath & Body Works, Club Monaco, Daffy�s, Nine West and The Container Store. Then we stopped for dinner at Elmo�s�total comfort food�popcorn shrimp, mac �n cheese, iceberg wedges with blue cheese, etc. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, CANADA..!! Woo hoo.

Back home, Elizabeth dyed her hair. It was supposed to be dark ashy blonde to match her natural shade; however, it turned out more like gamma-ray gray-green. It�s basically pure Barbie hair. Then we watched Curb Your Enthusiasm, now in its fifth hilarious season, and a new show called Extras, which is pretty damn funny, too. Check it out.

Off to bed (relatively) early (2 a.m.)�because on Monday we had a date at LOEHMANN�S�mecca for amazing designer discounts. They were running a "Columbus Day 3-Hour Special" from 9 a.m. to noon�offering an EXTRA 10% off..!! (for everyone, including Canadians).

We got up at 8 a.m.�oh jeez..!!! I haven�t been up this early since Lady Diana married Prince Charles in the summer of �81, and I got up to watch the royal nups live from London.

Loehmann�s was an absolute treasure trove�for Elizabeth, anyway. She picked up a navy DKNY bomber jacket that converts to a vest, a colorful Ben Sherman canvas coat, a Rena Lange brown sweater dress with keyhole neckline for $69 (down from like $700), a gray/yellow striped cashmere sweater by Theory, a fun �equestrian club� t-shirt, plus assorted tights and knee-highs. I walked out of there with two lousy pairs of Adidas sport socks�for $5.99..!! Add these to the $8 bar of orange blossom/fig soap I got the day before at Anthropologie, and you can see this was not an �all-about-Linda� weekend. It was just too damn early for me to shop.

Well, we got back from Loehmann�s just in time for Liz to wolf down a burrito from Benny�s�then it was off to Port Authority so she could catch the Newark Airport Express. I came home and took an immediate nap�and tried NOT to dream about my next American Express bill. It will be truly frightening.

Once again, there was a four-hour delay on Elizabeth's return to Toronto on Continental (boycott!!)�but she and Mike shared a traditional Canadian Thanksgiving pizza when she finally got in.

Perhaps you�ll want to add some of these activities to YOUR next holiday celebration. It beats hours of TV football and tryptophan grogginess. And, I hate to be a buzz-kill, but with that wicked Avian Flu going around, you may want to re-consider eating turkey this year. Something to think about, eh?

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