2005-07-19 - 5:41 p.m.
TAKE YOUR DREAMS AND SHOVE 'EM
Rumor has it that Liam Neeson has one of the biggest “schwazettas” in Hollywood…maybe the world. Well, you gotta figure that if the guy is 6’4”…proportionally and all, his love sword would have to be quite the “weapon of mass seduction.” (Though, Howard Stern, who is 6’5,” says that his penis is the size of your average pinkie finger. That ain’t right. But that’s not important right now.)Anyway, seeing as how I haven’t done the “horizontal tango” in like five months, it doesn’t take much to inspire my nocturnal fantasies. So, I was in bed reading People or the NY Post or something, and there was a photo of a bare-chested Liam Neeson and his wife Natasha Richardson locked in an embrace at a beach in St. Tropez. YUM. He was towering over her and his pants were wet from the surf and all clingy and everything, accenting his legendary bulge, and I’m sitting here thinking, “Motherfucka, I wish I had me summa dat.” So, I sucked on a strawberry popsicle instead…and then went to sleep.
(Okay…here comes the dream sequence.) Now, it’s Liam and me alone on a moonlit beach kissing hungrily and having endless nasty beach sex (which I probably would never do in real life because of the possibility of sand gettin’ in places where you definitely don’t want sand).** He’s telling me that he’s leaving Natasha b/c she’s boring and never wants to have sex…and that he’s crazy about me…never met anyone like me…and can’t live without me. Okay, stop laughing, you assholes…it’s MY dream.
So, now flash ahead a few months. Liam and I are visiting my parents at a retirement village in Lakewood, New Jersey. Oh yeah…and I’M PREGNANT…at age 57. A bunch of my Italian relatives are there, too…back from Barese heaven…and my mother tells them there’s gonna be a “new addition to the family.” She tells them that ELIZABETH (my daughter!!) is having a baby. I said, “No, Ma…you’re confused…it’s ME…I’M having the baby.” She was totally furious with me for telling everyone...and later she explained that she told them it was Elizabeth b/c she wanted to spare me the humiliation of people thinking that I was “selfish” for having a baby at age 57.
I asked Liam if he thought I was too old to have a baby…and he said, “Whatever you want, honey…I love babies”…which totally WASN'T the answer I wanted…so now I was mad at everybody…and started stomping around saying, “Fuck all of you.” Then, I realized I wasn’t actually pregnant…then I woke up. What a goddamn stupid dream. Why couldn’t the dream have just ended with me and Liam f***ing on the beach??? Even in my DREAMS things get all complicated and mental. Liam’s a jerk. I’m never having a dream date with him again.
**Elizabeth will know this. Who sings that song that goes: “Don’t you go gettin’ no sand in it….don’t let other members of the band in it?”
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