2005-07-19 - 5:41 p.m.
TAKE YOUR DREAMS AND SHOVE 'EM
Rumor has it that Liam Neeson has one of the biggest �schwazettas� in Hollywood�maybe the world. Well, you gotta figure that if the guy is 6�4��proportionally and all, his love sword would have to be quite the �weapon of mass seduction.� (Though, Howard Stern, who is 6�5,� says that his penis is the size of your average pinkie finger. That ain�t right. But that�s not important right now.)Anyway, seeing as how I haven�t done the �horizontal tango� in like five months, it doesn�t take much to inspire my nocturnal fantasies. So, I was in bed reading People or the NY Post or something, and there was a photo of a bare-chested Liam Neeson and his wife Natasha Richardson locked in an embrace at a beach in St. Tropez. YUM. He was towering over her and his pants were wet from the surf and all clingy and everything, accenting his legendary bulge, and I�m sitting here thinking, �Motherfucka, I wish I had me summa dat.� So, I sucked on a strawberry popsicle instead�and then went to sleep.
(Okay�here comes the dream sequence.) Now, it�s Liam and me alone on a moonlit beach kissing hungrily and having endless nasty beach sex (which I probably would never do in real life because of the possibility of sand gettin� in places where you definitely don�t want sand).** He�s telling me that he�s leaving Natasha b/c she�s boring and never wants to have sex�and that he�s crazy about me�never met anyone like me�and can�t live without me. Okay, stop laughing, you assholes�it�s MY dream.
So, now flash ahead a few months. Liam and I are visiting my parents at a retirement village in Lakewood, New Jersey. Oh yeah�and I�M PREGNANT�at age 57. A bunch of my Italian relatives are there, too�back from Barese heaven�and my mother tells them there�s gonna be a �new addition to the family.� She tells them that ELIZABETH (my daughter!!) is having a baby. I said, �No, Ma�you�re confused�it�s ME�I�M having the baby.� She was totally furious with me for telling everyone...and later she explained that she told them it was Elizabeth b/c she wanted to spare me the humiliation of people thinking that I was �selfish� for having a baby at age 57.
I asked Liam if he thought I was too old to have a baby�and he said, �Whatever you want, honey�I love babies��which totally WASN'T the answer I wanted�so now I was mad at everybody�and started stomping around saying, �Fuck all of you.� Then, I realized I wasn�t actually pregnant�then I woke up. What a goddamn stupid dream. Why couldn�t the dream have just ended with me and Liam f***ing on the beach??? Even in my DREAMS things get all complicated and mental. Liam�s a jerk. I�m never having a dream date with him again.
**Elizabeth will know this. Who sings that song that goes: �Don�t you go gettin� no sand in it�.don�t let other members of the band in it?�
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