2005-05-18 - 11:18 p.m.

A bikini wax is no way to start the day. However, since my day rarely begins before noon, I ate my breakfast/lunch and had a huge mug of Earl Grey then sauntered over to �Nice Nails,� our local Korean groom-n-go, ready to face the muzak.

Me: �I�d like a bikini wax and a pedicure.�

Moon Soon: �Regular or Bl-azilian?�

Me: �Oh, REGULAR�regular will do it for me.� (Just wanted a little trim around the hedgerow. It�s not like I�m running off Rio to prance around in a monokini.)

MS: �You go vacation?� hee hee

Me: �No�it�s just bush-whacking season�and I�m starting to resemble a Yeti.�

RRRRRrrippp�..OUCH�.yikes.

MS: �Too much hair. You wait too long.� hee hee

Me: �Yeah, well�just a little off the top and I�m good. And, by the way, do you have time for a half-leg wax, too?�

Moon Soon stroked my leg to assess the situation.

MS: �OOOoooohh�.shaveee, shaveee. No good. Too rough. hee hee�

RRRRRRrrripppp�.YOWZA.!!

Then Moon Soon said something that sounded like �Show-hair shreeza�

Me: �Excuse me?�

MS: �Show-hair shreeza. You have shreeza? You pull.�

Me: �OHhhh�.TWEEZER. You want me to pull out the �short hairs� with a tweezer. Uh, yeah. Sure. Will do.��not realizing at the time that it�s impossible to pluck tiny hairs from the back of your left calf if you�re right-handed and don�t happen to be a circus freak.

So, now it was time for my relaxing pedicure�and I settled into my vibrating pedi-throne. Sitting with my feet in the �Soakeee, soakeee,� Moon Soon pointed out my legs to the other girls and said, �She shaveee, shaveee. Bad. hee heee.�

Okay, I get it, I�m �stubble girl.� Get over it.

Ka-ching..!! $55 plus tip. (Guess they charged extra for the humiliation.) As I was leaving, the owner said, �How your daughter? The eyebrow? hee hee.�

A week later, I�m still twisting my body into a pretzel, trying to pluck those goddam �show hair� from my legs. Why do I bother? With my recent dating history, it�s not like anyone is gonna see these pasty gams anytime soon.

But here�s another tidbit from the realm of beauty. Yesterday, when I was coming home from the Kabbalah Centre, I spotted this decrepit old geezer who resembled a local Village homeless dude we like to call �Daddy�s bum.� Anyway, this sad old dirtbag was walking back and forth on Lexington Avenue, wearing a dilapidated sandwich board that read: �Elegant, Exclusive Salon. Deluxe Designer Nails. One Flight Up. Ring Bell.�

I wish I had a camera with me (not that I would know how to upload a picture or how to insert it into my diary anyway, but I digress). There were two large photos on the sandwich board. �Before� and �After.� �Before� was a shot of stumpy fingers, with raggedy, chewed up, bolluxed up nails that looked like something you�d see in a medical text on fungi. The �After� photo was a hand all �ho-style�... red acrylic faux nails with rhinestone detailing. �Today only�$9.95..!!� Now, that�s some �elegant, deluxe� pricing.

Well, �Daddy�s bum� got no takers tonight. I walked right past him with my nasty-ass �before� nails and headed for the subway. I�ve spent enough on grooming for one week.
NOTE: In case you're wondering, "Moon Soon" is a totally made-up name, just cuz I thought it sounded Korean, and, believe me, I'm completely embarrassed b/c I don't know any of their REAL names. Okay, just wanted to straighten that out.

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