2005-05-18 - 11:18 p.m.

A bikini wax is no way to start the day. However, since my day rarely begins before noon, I ate my breakfast/lunch and had a huge mug of Earl Grey then sauntered over to “Nice Nails,” our local Korean groom-n-go, ready to face the muzak.

Me: “I’d like a bikini wax and a pedicure.”

Moon Soon: “Regular or Bl-azilian?”

Me: “Oh, REGULAR…regular will do it for me.” (Just wanted a little trim around the hedgerow. It’s not like I’m running off Rio to prance around in a monokini.)

MS: “You go vacation?” hee hee

Me: “No…it’s just bush-whacking season…and I’m starting to resemble a Yeti.”

RRRRRrrippp…..OUCH….yikes.

MS: “Too much hair. You wait too long.” hee hee

Me: “Yeah, well…just a little off the top and I’m good. And, by the way, do you have time for a half-leg wax, too?”

Moon Soon stroked my leg to assess the situation.

MS: “OOOoooohh….shaveee, shaveee. No good. Too rough. hee hee”

RRRRRRrrripppp….YOWZA.!!

Then Moon Soon said something that sounded like “Show-hair shreeza”

Me: “Excuse me?”

MS: “Show-hair shreeza. You have shreeza? You pull.”

Me: “OHhhh….TWEEZER. You want me to pull out the “short hairs” with a tweezer. Uh, yeah. Sure. Will do.”…not realizing at the time that it’s impossible to pluck tiny hairs from the back of your left calf if you’re right-handed and don’t happen to be a circus freak.

So, now it was time for my relaxing pedicure…and I settled into my vibrating pedi-throne. Sitting with my feet in the “Soakeee, soakeee,” Moon Soon pointed out my legs to the other girls and said, “She shaveee, shaveee. Bad. hee heee.”

Okay, I get it, I’m “stubble girl.” Get over it.

Ka-ching..!! $55 plus tip. (Guess they charged extra for the humiliation.) As I was leaving, the owner said, “How your daughter? The eyebrow? hee hee.”

A week later, I’m still twisting my body into a pretzel, trying to pluck those goddam “show hair” from my legs. Why do I bother? With my recent dating history, it’s not like anyone is gonna see these pasty gams anytime soon.

But here’s another tidbit from the realm of beauty. Yesterday, when I was coming home from the Kabbalah Centre, I spotted this decrepit old geezer who resembled a local Village homeless dude we like to call “Daddy’s bum.” Anyway, this sad old dirtbag was walking back and forth on Lexington Avenue, wearing a dilapidated sandwich board that read: “Elegant, Exclusive Salon. Deluxe Designer Nails. One Flight Up. Ring Bell.”

I wish I had a camera with me (not that I would know how to upload a picture or how to insert it into my diary anyway, but I digress). There were two large photos on the sandwich board. “Before” and “After.” “Before” was a shot of stumpy fingers, with raggedy, chewed up, bolluxed up nails that looked like something you’d see in a medical text on fungi. The “After” photo was a hand all “ho-style”... red acrylic faux nails with rhinestone detailing. “Today only…$9.95..!!” Now, that’s some “elegant, deluxe” pricing.

Well, “Daddy’s bum” got no takers tonight. I walked right past him with my nasty-ass “before” nails and headed for the subway. I’ve spent enough on grooming for one week.
NOTE: In case you're wondering, "Moon Soon" is a totally made-up name, just cuz I thought it sounded Korean, and, believe me, I'm completely embarrassed b/c I don't know any of their REAL names. Okay, just wanted to straighten that out.

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